


The Fangirl Invasion

by china_shop



Category: Canadian Actor RPF, Fandom RPF, due South
Genre: Crack, Fangirls, Fic, Llamas, M/M, Mary Sue, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-08
Updated: 2006-02-10
Packaged: 2017-10-13 00:27:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/130793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/china_shop/pseuds/china_shop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We make random strangers have sex with each other, oh, no problem! But what if our internet associates don't want to go on a cruise?! OMG!?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Er. Um. Okay. So yesterday I went maybe a little unhinged, and wrote this. And I asked sprat and she said it would be okay to post it. So. With our deepest respect and apologies, mergatrude and I present: The Fangirl Invasion

## It starts out (relatively) innocently...

Vecchio shows up out of nowhere. "I heard there are a bunch of women here who want to have my babies," he says, without preamble.

We exchange glances, and then look at him, trying not to laugh. "Not as far as I know," you say.

"Yeah. Not us, anyway," I agree hastily.

Pearl_o jumps out from behind a lifeboat. "That would be me! I'd have your babies any day."

"Wow." I blink at her. "I didn't know you were here. Nice to meet you."

Vecchio looks a little miffed at this, which I guess is fair, because I, er, may have shown more enthusiasm about meeting Pearl than meeting him. (Ooops.)

Then there's a shriek from inside, and a dark-haired woman comes running out of one of the lounge rooms. It's Frannie.

"Oh my god!" she moans. "Oh my god! He's doing it with Ray! I can't believe I wasted all this time waiting for him, and he's--" She breaks off with a sob, and buries her face in her hands.

"My sister," Vecchio tells Pearl.

"Yeah, I know," Pearl says. "You know, I don't mind if you comfort her. Like, kind of a lot."

Vecchio looks at her like she's crazy. She raises her eyebrows suggestively.

"Ewwww," he says. "Gross. She's my _sister_!"

 

## But soon gets completely out of hand...

KatAllison is giving Fraser and RayK relationship counselling that's making them increasingly uncomfortable. "The thing you two just have to accept," she says, sadly, "is that you'll never be truly happy together. I mean, I know you love each other deeply, but you're just not cut out to be in a long term relationship with each other. Ray, you're prone to chilblains. And Fraser, you have a tendency to sulk. Basically, you're very pretty together, but also tragically doomed."

   


* * *

   
*mergatrude sneaks up on KatA and stabs her repeatedly with a cake fork*

*china_shop is COMPLETELY SHOCKED*

 **china_shop:** She's a lovely lovely lovely person!!!  
 **china_shop:** Fraser ARRESTS you!

 **mergatrude:** I don't mind being arrested by Fraser. Not one little bit! And I only used a cake fork! It didn't hurt her, just a little prickly.

   


* * *

   
Resonant8 tiptoes in while Kat's rubbing her arm, and whispers things in Ray's ear like, "Mmmm, doesn't Fraser look hot in his uniform?! You should help him out of it."

After a while, she sneaks to the other side of the couch they're sitting on, and whispers into Fraser's ear, "Don't listen to Kat. Look at Ray's neck, instead. Isn't it _lickable_?!"

At the same time, Cesperanza is desperately trying to distract them with parrots and clowns and helicopter abductions. She bangs on the door and yells, "Hey, guys! There's a _crime_ going on out here! Remember?! You're supposed to be _cops_! Have a fucking _adventure_ already! _Then_ you can make out!"

Unfortunately, she fails to get their attention, because we're so starstruck by meeting her that we keep getting in her way and asking for her autograph.

 _Meanwhile,_ in a rare lull, aerye pounces on RayK with a gleam in her eye. "It's all right," she tells him. "If this thing with Fraser doesn't work out, I've got just what you need to make you feel better."

"Jesus!" says Ray. "You guys are like _vultures_!"

   


* * *

   
 **china_shop:** (Oh dear, this is way too addictive. Can I post this? Can I?)

 **mergatrude:** Umm... given that we're RPF/S-ing people with whom we have regular contact? What if they don't want to go on a cruise? *dithers*

 **china_shop:** We make random strangers _have sex_ with each other, oh, no problem!   
**china_shop:** But what if our internet associates don't want to _go on a cruise?!_ OMG!?   
**china_shop:** *dies*

   


* * *

   
A couple of rooms down, estrella30 and Brooklinegirl are making out in the TV lounge. They raise their heads, distracted by all the noise.

 **estrella:** Are they fucking yet?

 **brooklinegirl:** Who?

 **estrella:** *shrugs* Fraser and RayK? Ray and Ray? Either. I don't care.

 **brooklinegirl:** Oooh, is Gardino around?

 **estrella:** STFU! You'll just encourage them. Jesus!

 **brooklinegirl:** God, imagine if they got F/V to fuck.   
**brooklinegirl:** O.o

 **estrella:** *puts fingers in her ears* La la la la la! I can't hear you! Hor!

 **brooklinegirl:** Vecchio/Gardino! Ooooh!

 **estrella:** *defriends*

 

Brooklinegirl opens a window and calls out to us, "Let us know when they're fucking, okay?"

 

You and I look at each other in the midst of this hullabaloo. I'm freaking out. "What have I done? Oh shit, what have I _done_?"

"I don't know," you say. "Do you think we should do something?"

We look at brooklinegirl and estrella making out in the TV lounge, and Ces pounding on the door.

"You know what?" I say. "I think Fraser and Ray can handle this. They're pretty tough."

I jerk my head sideways, and you follow me down to the C Deck where, OMG YAY! we find all the other Australasian DS fans gathered around a dozen sumptuous cheesecakes (and sprat, who apparently stowed away in a giant birthday cake). "You wouldn't believe what's going on out there--" I start, but you elbow me in the ribs.

Good point. So we all greet each other joyously, and engenda hands me a fork, and we sit down and watch Wilby Wonderful, and then the motel scene and the hospital scene again and again a few times. And when I say, "Hey, what about the Asylum teaser?" aerye pokes her head in the door.

"Excellent idea," she says, and comes in to join us.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fraser and Ray don't show up on our TV for a few hours yet. By that time, we've eaten all the cheesecakes and are lying around in a communal sugar coma, occasionally making suggestive remarks, or reminiscing about particularly fine CKR cinematography.

**china_shop:** You know, if fireman!Ray™ were to walk into the TV lounge where we're watching Wilby, I think there might be a riot.  
 **china_shop:** Or maybe it'd be like the bit in DMDTR where everyone falls down in a dead faint. Hee!

 **mergatrude:** Well, he's been wandering around, looking lost and needing adoption.

 **china_shop:** Yeah, but do you think he wants to be _mobbed_? (And, just between you and me, I'm a little afraid that some of us might commit mildly noncon activities, in the heat of the moment.)

 **mergatrude:** Well, maybe it's not responsible of us to let him wander around like that. Maybe we need to whisk him off to safety.

 **china_shop:** I think you mean we should whisk him off to "safety".  
 **china_shop:** *is evil*

 **mergatrude:** Absolutely.

 **china_shop:** Heh.

   


* * *

   
We're watching knifelickingomg for the third time, and some of us are rather red in the face, when tx_tart, c_regalis, _divya_, scriggle and heuradys saunter in looking incredibly smug. tx_tart elbows c_regalis, and c_regalis goes over to do something technical to the back of the TV.

The others sit on the floor (things are getting a little crowded). They're looking very very pleased with themselves.

"So," says _divya_. "We've just set up closed circuit TV from Fraser's cabin."

We sit there blinking at her, stunned by the brilliant simplicity of the idea.

Then the TV flickers. "Got it," says c_regalis. And the picture changes to a slightly fuzzy view of an extremely neatly made bed.

None of us can tear our eyes from the screen, even though _nothing is happening_.

"What if they go to Ray's cabin?" someone asks.

scriggle picks up the remote, and clicks it triumphantly. The picture changes to a much messier empty cabin.

"Ooooooooh," we chorus.

"Now we just have to hope that Kat hasn't depressed them too much," I mutter to you under my breath.

"Well, Resonant's doing her best," you whisper.

"Yeah, but Kat has a _lot_ of words. And they're pretty damned convincing. Maybe we need to send in reinforcements."

You blink, and sit up straight.

"What?" I ask.

"You know who we need?" You look at me excitedly.

I look at you, getting a slow glimmer of comprehension. "Is she even aboard?"

"Oh, she's bound to be around here somewhere." You look around, and ask casually, "Hey, has, uh, anyone seen serialkarma?"

Everyone's eyes are still glued to the screen. There's a pair of boxer shorts crumpled on the bedspread that's a particular focus of conversation. But laylee looks up. "Huh?"

"SerialKarma? Anyone seen her?"

"I think she's in the bar with Hugh," says girl_clone.

"Excellent." You and I exchange relieved glances, and go off to find her...

   


* * *

   
 **china_shop:** So what do you think they're all doing in the bar? Charades using titles of HDRC songs? ;-)

   


* * *

   
We slip stealthily into the bar. I say hi to malnpudl, who's sitting near the back, but mostly we try not to be disruptive.

SerialKarma's just successfully mimed Tweeter and the Monkey Man (guessed by dayse), and you grab her and pull her aside. "We need your special skills," you tell her, meaningfully.

She looks confused, and glances around the room. "You need beta? Now?"

I shake my head. Then reconsider. "Well, probably. Actually, now that you mention it..."

You interrupt. "No, we need your _other_ special skills. You know? Nudge nudge wink wink."

"Oh!" she breathes out a long vowel of understanding. "You want me to drink beer and play pool."

"Noooo!" I say, and then lower my voice again. "No, we need to you help Fraser and Ray Kowalski get it on."

She relaxes into a smile. "Oh _that_!"

"Can you do it?" you ask her.

"Oh sure, no problem." She dismisses your concerns with an easy wave of her hands. "I'll just need to recalibrate my porn-o-tron. It's currently set to Atlantis defaults."

::

Fraser and Ray don't show up on our TV for a few hours yet. By that time, we've eaten all the cheesecakes and are lying around in a communal sugar coma, occasionally making suggestive remarks, or reminiscing about particularly fine CKR cinematography, and also Slings & Arrows.

Every time someone mentions Slings & Arrows, you put your fingers in your ears and squeak, "Spoilers!"

And I mock-frown at you and say, "Hey, I _sent_ you the disks! Is it our fault if you haven't had time to watch them yet?"

Anyway, Fraser and Ray finally _do_ show up, in Fraser's starchy-neat cabin. They flop down side by side on the narrow bed, and gaze at the ceiling.

"Jesus!" says Ray.

"Oh wow," says zebra363, "you got sound, too?!"

heuradys looks smug. "That was me."

"Shhhhhhhhh!" says everyone else, gathering around the television.

"I know," Fraser is saying. "I have to say, I never expected so many people to take such an active interest in our private--"

Ray slaps a hand across Fraser's mouth, and whispers, "Do not say 'affairs', Fraser. Do not say that. They're still listening in. I can tell. I gotta hunch. You say 'affairs', and we'll never get any peace and quiet."

We snicker.

Ray falls back on the bed and throws his arm over his face and groans. "Christ, Fraser, all that talking about sex! How do those girls know all that stuff? They seem so nice and normal, and then, boom, they say something like--"

Fraser quickly covers Ray's mouth with his hand.

"Oh, yeah, right," says Ray, peeling Fraser's fingers away. "Sorry. You know, if I never see another illustrated chart in my life, it'll be too soon."

"So what do we do now?" says Fraser rolling onto his side. He kisses Ray's cheek. "I'll understand if you don't want to--"

"Yeah, you know what? I'm all libidoed out." Ray pats Fraser's blindly. "Sorry."

"That's quite all right, Ray. I completely understand."

For a long moment they just lie there, and we all hold our breath, hoping hoping hoping they'll change their minds.

"So," says Ray, finally.

We all lean an inch or two closer to the screen.

"Yes, Ray?" Fraser's voice is deep and mellow. You moan very quietly at the sound.

Ray sighs deeply. "You, uh, you wanna play chess?"

But neither of them reach for the chess board on the nightstand. In fact, neither of them moves at all.

"I wonder if we overdid it," says girl_clone, sounding worried. "Maybe we killed them."

"They're fictional characters," korestemenos points out, hugging her kitty-cat. "They can't die, can they?"

"I doubt it," says laylee. "Except for Bob."

We all groan.

"There goes that theory," says damned_colonial, cheerfully.

We glare at her.

"What? All the characters in my other fandom are dead by now. Mortality is meaningless. Fandom is like a time machine."

"Tardis!" I say, excitedly, looking around in the hopes that Christopher Eccleston will make an appearance. He remains stubbornly absent, though.

"Oh, look!" interrupts sprat. "They're moving!"

We all swivel around to look at the TV again, and she's right. They're not moving much though: Ray rolls over a little and curls into Fraser's side. "Good-night, Fraser," he murmurs, nuzzling into Fraser's armpit.

Fraser pats him, gently, and leaves his hand resting on Ray's side. "Good-night, Ray."

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww," we all chorus, nearly dying of squee.

   


* * *

   
 **mergatrude:** You've made me feel all guilty now. *gg*

 **china_shop:** No! Don't feel guilty! We're just very enthusiastic in our affection. But they're resilient. They'll bounce back. (Quite possibly tomorrow morning.)

 **mergatrude:** Okay. They're just making me sad, the poor woobies.

 **china_shop:** *pets them* They just need a good night's sleep. And possibly to have their brains bleached. I suspect SK gave them a bit TMI.  
 **china_shop:** Speaking of sleep...

   


* * *

   
"You know," I tell you, stifling a yawn, "I bet the rest of my flist are around here somewhere."

From outside, I hear a faint _myerp_ sound.

"Hmmm," you say. "Can we find them tomorrow? I'm _tired_."

"Me too." The next yawn refuses to be stifled, and I curl up on the couch next to you, and am asleep in seconds.

::

It's light outside when we wake up, and the TV's showing static. There's no one else in the room. I nudge you awake, and you sit up and rub your eyes.

"Nice of them to tidy," you murmur, and yeah, hey, there's no cheesecake crumbs or dirty dishes either.

I stand up and stretch, and look outside. Fraser and Ray are standing in an alcove at the the bottom of a flight of stairs, and they're kissing.

"Looks like they've recovered," I say. "Phew. But where _is_ everyone?"

I turn to look at you, and you're clicking the remote, again and again, frowning. "The CCTV isn't working! Dammit!"

I start to get a funny feeling. "You don't suppose--"

"--it was all a dream?" you finish. "But we were both there, weren't we?"

"Well, I was."

"So was I."

"Okay then." I look at you. "Then where is everyone?" We run our hands through our hair in a hasty attempt to look respectable, and hurry outside. The deck feels weirdly deserted, despite the occasional groups of elderly tourists. There isn't a single other fangirl in sight. "Where did they go?" I wail. "I didn't get to meet them all! What about shayheyred and bohemian__storm and stormymouse?"

"Yeah," you agree. "And I wanted to meet all the new people -- isiscolo and joandarck and woolly_socks, and the others. I want to try and talk joandarck into writing something nice and long and juicy."

I wail. "What about lilac_one? And, oh, akite! Dammit! And sageness, and all the others!" I slump against a wall, and try not to cry. "What about _lyra_sena_?!"

"Yeah!" You look sad for a minute, but then narrow your eyes. "On the other hand, what if lynnmonster had turned up with an mpreg/winged/tentacled monster rising from the deeps!"

"Yeah." I'm not entirely convinced. "I guess. But I didn't get to meet everyone!" My eyes are stinging.

You press your lips together and lean against the wall next to me, and squint off at the horizon.

"What?" I ask, sniffing back tears.

"You've still got me," you point out, neutrally, still staring at the pink and orange sunrise.

I blink at you for a long moment, and then blow my nose. "That," I say, suddenly feeling more cheerful, "is a Very Good Point!" And I give you a big, big hug, squeezing all the air out of your lungs.

"Oxygen," you gasp, flailing. "Becoming an issue." But you hug me back, too.

I laugh and let you go. "Come on, I'll buy you breakfast."

You give me a look. "We never pay for anything on this cruiseliner."

"Well, yeah." I hide my smile. "But you know what I mean." And I bump my shoulder against yours.

So we head over to the main restaurant. On the way, we pass Mark talking to Callum and Hugh. It's amazing how easy it is to tell Callum from Ray and fireman!Ray™, I think, vaguely.

"Hey," you whisper. "Did you hear that?"

"What?" I whisper back.

You stop under the pretext of retying your shoelace, and I try to unobtrusively eavesdrop on the guys. "--really weird dream," Mark's saying. "I was making out with this chick called Aukestrel. It just felt really _real_ \--"

"Yeah?" says Hugh, grinning. "We spent the evening making out in the bar _with each other_ while a bunch of crazy women cheered us on."

"And yelled suggestions," adds Callum.

I glance up at you, and grin. "Must be something in the water."

"You can blame the water," you say. "But me, I think the llama did it."

   


* * *

   
 **mergatrude:** The llama. On the cruiseship, with the thingamy!

 **china_shop:** Well, it's been hit by lightning. Who _knows_ what it's capable of, now?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: If you're not in here, it's not that I don't like you, or even that I necessarily forgot you. It's just that there's an awful lot of you, and I was writing this in a hurry, so I just tried for a reasonably representative sample. I humbly beg your pardon! *hugs* And if I did include you? Many apologies for that, too. *g*
> 
> With many thanks to sprat for her encouragement and reassurance.

**Author's Note:**

> *hides*


End file.
